The United States is under assault, an all out cyber-info-terrorism-war causing billions of dollars in losses and striking at the most American of institutions: cookies.

The Internet has spawned a thriving cookie underground. Home bakers around the globe are taking off their oven mitts to email proprietary recipes for the finest corporate-crafted cookies in the country. These "cookiepunks," as I just now decided to call them, have extended their reach all the way into my parents' kitchen, where a refrigerator magnet pins a printout proclaiming "FREE: $250 cookie recipe from Neiman's."

"I don't think that anybody is going to cause a cookie company any serious harm."--Cookie Expert Jeff MajorThe message, which my mother received via email from a friend, who got it from another friend, and so on, apparently originated with a woman who visited the Neiman-Marcus in-store cafe in Dallas and was charged "two fifty" for the recipe on her Visa card.

That, to the upscale store where you need financing to purchase a pair of socks, clearly meant two hundred and fifty dollars.

At this point in the story, a nasty, untrusting, skeptical voice in my head reminded me that the last time I visited Neiman-Marcus to purchase a $3,000 bag of kitty litter, the store didn't accept Visa. Memories returned of my first days online, when I received an email supplication on behalf of a little boy with cancer who's peculiar dying wish was to set the world record for receiving the most post cards. Then there was the email that promised me a lifetime of good fortune if I forwarded it to 10 other people.

But that voice was quickly forgotten when I read the shocking conclusion to the tale. The women, unable to get a refund, vowed a lawless revenge. "I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the United States with an e-mail account has a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus... for free."
I should point out that most cookie lovers are honest, law abiding hobbyists interested in how cookies work, and how they can make them work in new and different ways. People who distribute proprietary cookie recipes over the net are best described as "cookie crackers," or, alternatively, "k00k33 kiddiez."

Cookie lover Jeff Major, who runs the legitimate site OreoStuf, has caught only fleeting glimpses of the vast cookie underground.

"I have heard of people who are trying to figure out the formula for the filling in Oreos," says Major, who tinkers with Oreos at home, although he does not advocate cookie cracking. "But I don't think that anybody is going to cause a cookie company any serious harm."

Think again. The header on my mother's message revealed four levels of remailing, with an average of twenty-five recipients at each level. Since each recipient undoubtedly forwarded the note to 25 other people, that's 406,900 people who hold the secret recipe. Multiplied by $250, the total loss to Neiman-Marcus is a staggering $101,725,000. Now for the shocking part. My mother, who has never stolen anything in her life, baked the $250 cookies.

At great risk, and in the spirit of journalistic inquiry, I brought home a sample of the pirated cookies. They were good. But my enjoyment was tainted by the guilty knowledge of their spotted provenance.

Is law enforcement taking "k00k33 kiddiez" seriously enough? Post your opinion at the bottom of this page.

Finally, overcome by the criminal's classic psychological need to confess, I phoned the cafe at the Neiman-Marcus store in Dallas.

"Does this, by any chance, have something to do with an Internet message about our cookies?," asked manager Carlo Lugo, when I asked for the Cookie Security department. "I get a call about that every week. I don't know how it got started or where it came from, but that is a myth. All of our recipes are free."

A quick check of the Neiman-Marcus site confirmed that the store gives away their chocolate chip cookie recipe, which is completely different from the one circulating in email.

"Its got a little bit of espresso," Lugo explained. "It is a firm cookie. Some people don't like firm cookies, some people do. I think it's a good cookie, especially with a glass of milk."

So this time, we were spared the horror of cookie espionage. Next time, we may not be so lucky. I advocate the creation of a multi-million dollar "Cookie Corp" of cookie experts, a Cookie Emergency Response Team to respond to cookie-related incidents, and a much-belated crackdown on the cookie criminals who I'm certain exist.

The Neiman-Marcus cookie incident should serve as a chewy, tasty wakeup call to America.